The Difference Between Me & Them

I thought there was a chasm separating us. I had watched them design and create leather goods out of thin air... sample boxes pouring in weekly. Fascinated with their trend meetings, leather swatches, trips to Asia I stood in awe of them.

Though I was head of a department which assisted their sales team during market week, I felt like I was missing out. I loved the design department where I had started out 3 years earlier. I loved the graphics, the "tins", the product - I loved everything about the company and my place in it.

I'm not sure when the seed was planted. It may have been when I was talking to one of them about what she did before she designed leather goods.. she was a web designer, had worked for MTV at one point, had been an artist in college. Another one of them had studied painting in college and ended up in leather design. I came to work one day in a new pair of shoes from American Eagle Outfitters, had some papers to drop off at the desk next to his, and on my way out of the cube he asked to see my shoes. He was surprised to see his design as a freelancer on my feet.

The seed got planted. I had studied art. I had an idea that I could do more than manage a support team. I knew that I could be doing what they were designing product for the company, and I wanted to be one of them.

I saw them interviewing for a position recently vacated by a woman on maternity leave. They interviewed quite a few people and this one I was certain they were going to hire. I knew I had to jump in between him and them and throw my desire into their lap. So, I pulled the lead designer aside and told her I wanted the job.

I made a project - and looking back it wasn't good at all... but I did my confident best never doubting I could get the job. I was hired! My pay went up slowly with the company but faster than if I had stayed in my old job as manager.

Since then I have more than doubled my salary. I have traveled the world. I have seen my designs for sale on the web, on random strangers, on new colleagues at other companies and on myself and friends as we wear old samples.

The difference between me and them was nothing.

The moral of my story is: I thought I wasn't qualified to achieve the success I wanted. When I realized there were more similarities between us than differences I walked confidently toward my goal. I walked confidently into that dark room of the unknown and built a new life from the ground up. Despite the ups and downs that have come since, my life maintains an upward trajectory - of which I am confident will never change.

If there is anything in your life you want never doubt or compare yourself. You are everything you need to achieve your goals - it's in you now - JUMP!

My 100 Things continued pt. 4

64. have a photo published in a major magazine or newspaper
65. Drive cross country
66. take a course in wine
67. take a train to philadelphia
68. stay in a bed and breakfast in new hope or lambertville
69. learn to surf
70. parasail
71. hang glide
72...

Spring Comes When Winter Sleeps

Spring Comes When Winter Sleeps
Originally uploaded by carlindesigner
My Christmas pic... Spring is inside those branches... next winter is in those branches... the future and the past - yes...

My 100 Things continued pt. 3

55. Compete in a Triathalon
56. Be part owner in a factory that makes stuff I love to design
57. Become fluent in German
58. Become fluent in Mandarin
59. Become fluent in Spanish
60. Paint 6ft x 6ft paintings
61. Make wine
62. Make bier
63. Make a gourmet meal and serve it to my family
64....

My 100 Things continued

48. Read prose in a club.... like a beat poet - Kerouac
49. Have an advice column
50. Touch a shark
51. Swim with marine mammals
52. Feed otters
53. Kayak in white water rapids
54. Design my own home
55. ....

to be continued ...

My 100 Things

Ok, so these are some of the things I hope I can make happen in the next 40 years... some I can do today, others will take time and the stars aligning... :)

1. Run a half marathon
2. Go to Ellis Island
3. Go to the Statue of Liberty
4. Move into a big loft style apartment with NYC views and a back yard
5. Sell my artwork in a gallery in nyc
6. Have my own dog - big, loving, docile (again)
7. get rid of my truck and drive a vw
8. go to texas (again)
9. read a book a month
10. sleep under the stars (again)
11. work on a house for habitat for humanity
12. design and sell my own men's accessories line
13. own my own business
14. make a million dollars
15. go to hong kong (again)
16. go to china (again)
17. own a house in texas (again)
18. trout fishing in colorado (again)
19. snow skiing in montana (again)
20. vacation in san francisco
21. visit switzerland
22. visit duesseldorf/gerresheim (again)
23. be there when my son gets married
24. hold my son's children
25. be happy
26. zero debt
27. save a life
28. become a guru
29. meet the president
30. meet the queen
31. scuba dive in crystal blue water
32. get a tan on an amazing beach
33. shower outside
34. have a rock wall in my house
35. go to eureka springs, arkansas (again)
36. find a lost treasure
37. play baseball
38. play sand volleyball (again)
39. go to south america
40. meet a ghost
41. fly a plane
42. sky dive
43. live on a mountain
44. be on television
45. watch the sunset from a thai beach
46. serve food in a homeless shelter
47. write a book
48. .......

to be continued ...

Chapter 1 - Opening Statements

I want to write my story. If Sarah Palin can, why can't I?

I'm a gay mom who has raised her son to adulthood. He's 20. He's in the Marines. He's not a "Marine" though; he'd rather be smoking marijuana and reading classics. I let my child's life choices define me on some levels. I think most parents look to their children to measure their success as adults, as people who can grow other people to maturity. It's sad though to let our children define us, but as a human I'm no different than other humans.

My story begins every day anew. To pinpoint birth as the beginning is the classic autobiography moment, but I'd say I was born in a shrinks office in Richardson, Texas under intense self examination. My shrinks methods were easy to follow and rudimentary, so much so that any parrot could learn how to heal souls with her method.

"Say, 'I'm Ok'," she asked me.

I said, "I'm ok," and looked down and around a little unsure.

She asked, "Do you really believe that or does it feel odd to say?"

I said, "I don't believe it - it doesn't ring true."

So we worked back to my childhood and my parents, of course the source of all my esteem issues boil down to my parents. How they made me feel, what their words meant in my ears and in my heart. When my mom scolded me for being me it wasn't that I wasn't "OK" being a tomboy or not wanting to wear dresses or not wanting to be in drill team tryouts - it was that my mom wasn't OK for me not to do those things... it wasn't OK for her. For her, as for me, she was defining herself by her child's actions - by my aspirations - and taking a hit emotionally when I didn't follow her plan for my life.

I really WAS ok, and it was time to believe it.

JC Metal Collage

JC Metal Collage
Originally uploaded by carlindesigner